Tuesday, January 25, 2011

A Chinese New Year Post

I am not going to whine about the suckiness of parenthood in this post.

I love being a father, love hearing my daughter call me ‘PAPA’, I love to show off my children wherever I go, dress them in the prettiest and hippest clothes, I love people to watch us a happy family of four, I love how my son’s fatty cheeks bounce like water balloons whenever I shake him, I love my life as a parent.

Sure, partying and late night movie days are now something only attainable from some galaxy far, far away, but life is better with company, with family.

Chinese New Year is round the corner, this call for a time of family bonding. Not just my wife, Angel(daughter), Kenzo(my son) and me, but the greater family as a whole, my dad, mum, brother and sister with their kids.

But with every year passing, it gets less lively, with less people coming over to our house for visits, and for me, obviously less gathering with friends. I used to have a tradition of heavy drunkard drinking at a certain bar with my friends on Chinese New Year eves. Now those days are but a fairy tale tucked in some book from the National Library. Heck, the bar I mentioned is now even closed down. But that is fine, my friends have all grown up, most with their kids tearing their hairs. Whoever still has the energy to ‘TA’ mugs of Bourbon and pints of Beer anymore?

But the family members, relatives distant and close, their visits have become somewhat shorter, with less members of their family turning up for the traditional ‘Pai Nian’. Well, the old ones they made sure that pop over year after year, my aunties and uncles, but their children whom a decade ago were still sucking lollipops and candies have all grown up to be rebellious teenagers, and I supposed, do not quite feel obligated to do the CNY visits anymore. Instead, I would guess they pretty much want to hang out with their friends making themselves general public nuisance.

Who is to blame them? I had gone down that road before, I had been a teenager too. I have taken up smoking in the past, had my share of public mischief, prowled the billiard rooms like some wannabe 'Ah Beng', kick asses in Arcade Centres playing Street Fighter, I understand all teenagers are assholes.

But come this Chinese New Year, let us all behave a little more sensible, and show some filial piety to our parents, who have sacrificed their entire life for us, who had tolerated our nonsense all our entire lives, let us have some quality time with our family together, and may the teenagers of the world be nice and polite and respectful to the elders for at least once this time of the year.

Or Uncle Ken will poke your ass deep deep with a 3 metre long billiard cue, yeah, all you suckers, I am now an elder too.. Don’t play play.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Break Point

It gets complicated, with one plus one.

That equates to two, of course.

Simple Math is a no brainer of course. But the science of it is.

Two babies.

You can multi-task at work, drive while you smoke and talk on the phone at the same time, or run while you listen to the ipod plus many more. There is no learning curve in these. But managing a 2 year old daughter and a 5 month old baby boy as a father, husband, son of my parents, son-in-law of my parents-in-law, plus running a small design biz, finding time to work out, and no social life is tough.

So that summed up the entire year for me.

Of course, all is not grim. I am basically putting down my lifestyle in a factual manner. You cannot measure the joy of parenthood with anything. It simply does not make sense to do that.

But still, learning to cope with 2 kids of my own is like tearing your hair and burning it with fire and then pouring water over your head.

I love my daughter, and I love my son, both, extremely.

But I have yet learned to manage giving love to them equally in the fairest equation.

My daughter is having the hardest time of her life. Imagine a little brother comes into her life, the little member has everyone is the household glued to him like a precious gem, she gets neglected, NATURALLY. Come on, do not educate me with some diplomatic stupid answer that she still gets treated fairly. I don’t buy bullshit.

So she clings on to me like the Koala from down under, wailing in protest when I have to leave for work. This is also natural. I have fed her since she was a little baby, woke up numerous times in the middle of the night losing my sleep for her, bathe her every day, clean her poop and change her pampers every day, do just about everything with her every single fucking day, especially when the mum was pregnant and had to leave most of the chores to me. What do ya expect. She is only TWO. You can’t reason with her effectively. Sure she makes noise and she cry if I carry her brother, but what the fuck do you expect, this is life.

Back to my son, the cutest boy on the planet. And he is just about the happiest boy you’ll ever meet. He laughs like he’s watching a comedy all the time. And I’ll love to play with him all day. But the fact is I can’t. There are also times I feel extremely guilty not paying as much attention to him like I did with his sister when she was a tiny baby. But I CAN’T. We have 2 kids now, and playing the no neglect game is extremely tough. But yeah, life, like I said, is like that.

So there is no direct equation, no fairness in such matters, as with all things in life.

It pains me to see my daughter being chided all the time for making all the noise, clinging on to me, and me only. But she is not at fault. The nature of things is. But why do members of the family shake their heads when they see her misbehaving. The little girl has no idea, the more she is being loathe, the more she wants to cling on to me. She has no freaking idea, I bet this is the most stressful thing she had ever encountered in her life, and the only thing she knew is “at least I still have my dad”.

I do not blame anybody for anything, life is a bitch anyway, blame life.

But give me a break sometimes, I have done my best. If my best is not enough, I’ll do better.

But I do need a fucking break. I have been a dutiful dad for the past 2 years over. I need to party now, even if it is just one day. I really need one mad crashing party. Perhaps I will get my wish this year in 2011. To be fair to me.

Happy Fucking New Year.

Post dedicated to Angel, Kenzo, and May.

Monday, September 20, 2010

A Tale About An Angel

I like the warmth of her tiny palms on my cheek,
when we lay on the bed,
before the night closes the day.

I like the feeling of her peck from her lips to mine,
the wetness of it,
sometimes dry.

I like the reflection in the mirror that smiles back at me,
her head slightly slant, her shoulders shrugged,
when I carry her in the bathroom,
brushing her teeth and stroking her hair.

I like the laughter she makes,
when my hand found her stomach,
tickling away her sanity.

I like the steps she makes,
with knee up high when she runs,
with pace alike a puppy leap.

I like the kick she makes on my back, using her tiny feet,
stomping away the soreness from my spine,
her way of waking me up in the morning,
when the clock strikes eight, sometimes nine, at times ten.

I like her breath in my ears,
a tiny wind that blows into my drum,
when I carry her up the stairs.

I like her face on my chest, the roundness of it,
slammed against my heartbeat,
when I shook her to her favorite song.

I like the voice vibrated through her throat, the spontaneity of it,
the epitome of affection, the need to be with me,
when she calls me:


Friday, March 12, 2010

Daddy And Me

Baby daze are over, toddler madness is here.

From wailing to kicking to biting, she has performed them all.

16 months old, and already a little tyrant, my Angel has finally grown up.

Below are some of the pics which I had the time to compile, though not the latest. Some of which she is barely one year old.

Happy weekend!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Happy New Year

I ought to write a blog post. 29th December 2009, the day is Tuesday, two days away from the 1st day of 2010. This will be my last post for the year, my best year. Not because I am richer, (I never will be, because I remain a pauper despite my vow to expand my bank acct same time last year, the year before, and the year before and before), nor is it because I finally gain an extra kilogram since I last weigh myself, but simply because I have led a fulfilling journey as a father for the year of 2009. It has been extremely and undeniably awesome!

The little one is the reason that kept my spirit alive when lights go dim, she is the first person I want to see in the morning when I wake up, and the person I definitely have to smooch before I doze off to dreamland every night. She is simply, everything to me.

Nevermind the screwed up economic climate that carried through the year of 2009, nevermind the bitching demands from my clients, nevermind my car broke down for the tenth time, nevermind all the woes that hogged some of my worst days throughout the entire year, there is always a healing ritual every day when I head home from work. Although the particular ritual at times involved the inhaling of human poo and occasional physical abuse (she scratched my handsome face once that left a faint scar on my face), her cheeky chuckle and sweetie pie demeanour is enough to melt me like an iceberg in a tropical climate.

And beat this: “PAPA, PAPA bao bao” she would ratter on while extending her open arms as she laughed when I reached home daily from work. Her expression is one that tells a story about a baby who has waited for an entire day for her dad to scoop her up from her feet, to play with her throughout the entire evening, to bathe and sing her lullabies, and smooch her to sleep. NOTHING, I repeat, NOTHING comes close to this! This is Nirvana, this is what I breathed and lived on, this is what makes me weak, and the reason and meaning to life.

Alright, I am intoxicated. It is the missus’s theory. I am mad. The sweet little one has gotten me poisoned in my brain. Because I repeatedly pronounce my daughter the cutest baby in the world when in fact I must have been in the sea of poisoned parents who claimed the same, their baby is the cutest. ...Nah... this of course is not true, because mine is. Alright... I admit that am beyond medical help.

But seriously, I never thought I would be so deep in this. I will like to think I am the macho, heck care, cool headed type, and definitely no weakling to a sweetie daughter. But I am, because despite the crazy hours of midnight waking up to baby wails, the anti-social lifestyle without partying, movies, and booze, this is still unmistakenly, the best year of my life, the best year, the BEST!

I want to shout out A Very Happy New Year to all of you out there! Whether 2009 had been a tough act or a breeze for you, I am sure as with my case, there must be surely something, or a special someone in your heart, or perhaps a special occasion that must have made it a great, great, great year for you people.

HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY NEW YEAR, and a great welcome to an even better year come 2010!! (yeah... the casinos are opening in Singapore in 2010, this time round I am sure I will strike it rich)

*Angel is 14 months old now and she is walking, and I am chasing, mostly in circles...

Monday, November 23, 2009

Your Highness

I finally heave up my lazy ass to type this sentence.

I have been a bad father.

3 nights ago I experienced a phenomenal that shattered my heart crushing every artery that made up the pumping organ. My adored daughter for the first time in her life shoved me away while I attempted to pat her on her back. It was 4.30 am in the morning. I had just finished a shower and dying to crawl into bed after a torturing OT in the office. The past weeks had been rather unforgiving as I pushed myself to work on projects, designing, illustrating, meetings, and all those crap that will make any chap think otherwise on becoming his own boss. In other words, I was a freaking bee that couldn’t spare a second for my daughter. I was an OT maniac, unwillingly though.

The little princess woke up in the middle of the night, and reiterated in protest. She clung on to her mother like she had just seen a complete asshole for the first time in her life. I turned to meet her in her face only to be rewarded with an annoyed look from her while she turned away from me to the other direction. That heart smashing process apparently repeated ten folds until I gave up. Not only did she not want to look me in the eye, she aggravated my heart crushing moment by crying and pushing me away.

I resented eventually, wavering the white flag.

Normally she is like the koala from down under that stubbornly hugged on to you even if an earthquake is shaking the ground at 100 Richter scale. Be it in a restaurant if I have to leave for a moment to pay for a meal, or walking away from her to wash my hands, or any scenario that warrant a two metre proximity detachment, she never wanted to leave me, protesting in wails and tears will fix a 2 month drought.

What exactly happened 3 nights ago?

It was as if she knew. That I was working too much to be bothered with her, leaving her with the poor mum to coax her to sleep every night, that I have been a bloody asshole shoving her aside every morning heading to work, that I neglected her blog updates without even a single pic of her 1 year old birthday.

I deserved to be spanked!

And decapitated, and be ignored by the great, great, great grand princess.

The aftermath? I spent a good weekend with the highness by showering her with all my love and care. Lights, Christmas trees in Orchard road, extra long baths for the kiddo and lots of smooches. So much so the missus had been teasing my sorry ass for the making up effort. I was a pathetic dog and servant to the greatest of greatest, highest of highness, and prettiest of princess in the whole wide world.

So have you forgiven me yet, my darling Angel?

Sorry daddy’s been a prick.

It’s 1.52 am in the morning. I better check on you before the day draws a close for me. And double cross my fingers that history does not repeat itself within a 3 day time frame...

Hang in there dowager, here I come.

*To fellow bloggers, sorry for not being able to visit your blogs lately, lets catch up again soon. S O R R Y.